(Scene 1.A large Victorian home. There is a couch down center stage and a piano against the back wall towards stage right. There is a mirror on the wall. The house is obviously owned by people of wealth and privilege. To stage right is a hallway leading to a foyer and to the main section of the house, and to stage left is a recreational area. A girl stands center stage, facing stage left, holding a drawn bow and arrow. After taking careful aim, she lets the arrow fly, going offstage.)
(Offstage) Oh! Oh, oh oh oh…
(He walks on stage carrying a target with an arrow lodged in the bull’s-eye.)
Cyril
(Cont’d.) Oh, what a good shot, madam.
Thank you, Cyril. I’ve been practicing.
(Cyril walks back offstage with the target. Vanessa picks another arrow up off the floor, puts it in the bow and draws it back.)
(Entering from stage right) Vanessa, dear, what did Daddy say about practicing your archery in the house?
(Pretending to ponder it for a moment) Um… “Practice makes perfect?”
(Patting her on the head.) That’s my girl! Carry on.
(He exits stage right. Vanessa redraws the arrow in the bow and fires it offstage.)
(Offstage) Oh, that one nicked me it did.
Well, I don’t know what you expect Cyril. You’ve moved the target off-center.
(Offstage) Quite right madam. Won’t happen again.
(Entering from stage right.) Vanessa, Mr. Hambert is here.
Mother,
honestly. Why do I have to have a
piano tutor?
Lady Westchester
Because you are an awful pianist. (Calling off stage right) Mr. Hambert.
Hambert
(Entering
from stage right) Yes, Lady Westchester?
Lady Westchester
Attend to my daughter now. See she can play Fur Elise by the end of the day or I’ll see you never work again.
Vanessa
Mother I still must protest this…
(Lady Westchester ignores her and exits stage right, singing the first few notes of Fur Elise. Vanessa calls off stage left.)
Vanessa
(Cont’d.) Cyril, come here.
(Cyril enters from stage left. He is nursing a bleeding wound on one arm.)
Cyril
Yes, Madam?
Vanessa
It is time for my piano lesson. We shall continue this later.
Cyril
Yes Madam.
Vanessa
(As he exits stage right.) And get that cleaned up, won’t you?
(Vanessa and Hambert regard each other for a moment in silence, before she runs leaping into his arms, wrapping her legs about him and kissing him full on the mouth. After a few seconds she dismounts, and as they speak they go and sit on the couch, holding hands.)
Hambert
Darling, why do you always protest our lessons to your mother?
Vanessa
If I seemed to be enjoying them she’d get suspicious.
Hambert
Ah, you’re clever for one so young.
Vanessa
I’m nearly eighteen.
Hambert
Darling, does it ever bother you?
Vanessa
Does what bother me, darling?
Hambert
Well, that I’m old enough to be your father.
Vanessa
Oh, you aren’t as old as Daddy.
Hambert
Well, then. That I’m old enough to be your dashing, youngish uncle.
Vanessa
I wish you were my uncle. I’d see you so much more then.
Hambert
I’d be a naughty uncle.
(Hambert leans over and begins to tickle her. She laughs, but he stops suddenly as he sees the bow on the ground.)
Hambert
(Cont’d.) Is that your bow?
Vanessa
Yes. I’ve been trying to learn it lately. It seemed like fun. Would you like to see me shoot?
Hambert
Oh, yes. Very much.
(With a giggle, Vanessa gets up off the couch and picks up the bow and an arrow. Hambert moans slightly.)
Hambert
(Cont’d.) Oh, there is nothing quite as appealing to me as a woman holding a weapon. (Vanessa models it for him). My first love was with a girl I met in the service. She loved her country. So much so that she dressed like a man to join the service. Remarkable girl. She fought like a man, but, oh! How she made love…
Vanessa
Hambert!
Hambert
Sorry, love. Perhaps you should show me how you shoot.
Vanessa
Perhaps I should.
(She draws back the arrow and fires it offstage.)
Vanessa
(Cont’d.) Oh, that wasn’t very good. Bloody Cyril moved the target. Hold on.
(Vanessa runs offstage. Hambert watches her behind as she leaves. She comes back almost immediately, clutching three arrows in her hand.)
Vanessa
(Cont’d.) There.
(Vanessa places two of the arrows on the ground and puts the third one to the bow and fires it.)
Hambert
Good shot! A bull’s-eye!
Vanessa
And I’ve only been practicing for three days. I think perhaps in another life I was a hunter.
(Vanessa goes and sits back on the couch next to him. He puts his arm around her.)
Hambert
Perhaps you were Diana, huntress and goddess of the moon and of chastity.
(Vanessa suddenly slides over a bit on the couch, and Hambert’s arm falls off her.)
Vanessa
Yes, it’s funny you brought that up. You see, there’s something I’ve been meaning to talk with you about.
Hambert
Darling, I know you may be shy because I’ve been with so many women…
Vanessa
So many? You only told me about one!
Hambert
(Recovering) Well, one, plus the girl in the service who I didn’t consider a girl since she was dressed as a man. And I consider two too many, because neither of them were you.
Vanessa
Oh, that’s sweet. But no, that’s not what I meant. It’s just that… well, I know that one day we will be married…
Hambert
Yes! By heaven I swear it!
Vanessa
Darling, let me finish. I know that one day we will be married, and that only a maiden is worthy of being your wife. So I must confess, as much as it grieves my heart, that I have known men before.
Hambert
Ah, Nessa, I find your naïveté so endearing. There’s nothing wrong with knowing some of the village boys. I would think it would be quite unavoidable in the course of your schooling…
Vanessa
Darling, you misunderstand me. (Looking straight in his eyes, giving a lesson.) I have known men before. (He doesn’t get it.) Biblically. (Still doesn’t get it.) As a man knows his wife. (No response) I have had intercourse.
Hambert
Sweet Jesu Christe! But you’re only a child.
Vanessa
Well, you were prepared to have relations with me.
Hambert
That’s different. I’m a licensed instructor and am sensitive to the needs of children. Who was he?
Vanessa
(Dreamily) Walter, the gardener.
Hambert
Darling, I must know… was he better than me?
Vanessa
But we have not yet consummated our love!
Hambert
I know, but if you had to take a guess…
Vanessa
(Taking both his hands.) Darling, that was a year ago. It is behind me now. I wanted you to know because you are so special to me. Do you think you can look past it and love me still?
Hambert
Hmm… that’s a tough one. Go practice piano while I think about it.
Vanessa
But you never taught me the song.
Hambert
E, E flat E, E flat, E, E flat, E, B, D, A, C. Go.
(Vanessa goes back to the piano and begins to play the notes in no arrangement or rhythm that should in any way resemble Fur Elise, while Hambert delivers his monologue.)
Hambert
Well, this obviously won’t do. She appealed to me because of her innocence, because of her unspoiled nature. When you’ve been around the block as many times I have, those qualities become quite precious, believe me. She’s not like other women. Not like so many, many other women. She is truly the one for me, I know it. But how can I have her now that I know she is damaged goods? What is done cannot be undone. Who is done, for that matter. A gardener. Feh! It was a trifle, to be certain. A childish declaration of love gone too far. But still, it plucks at my mind, like a deaf mute playing the piano by guesswork. The image will not leave me. Oh, if only there were some way to undo what has been done. (A moment of silence, then inspiration.) Aha! (To Vanessa) Darling, I have come to my decision.
Vanessa
Oh, I hope it is good news. What have you decided?
Hambert
Nothing yet. But I shall have an answer for you soon. Until then, good day!
(He kisses her on the cheek and runs off, stage right. Lady Westchester enters as soon as he leaves.)
Lady
Westchester
Where was Mr. Hambert off to in such a hurry?
Vanessa
He said he had another engagement on the other side of town.
Lady
Westchester
Very well. Let’s hear what you’d learned.
(Vanessa delivers an awful rendition of Fur Elise. There is a moment of silence.)
Lady
Westchester
Go practice your bow.
Vanessa
Yes, mother.
(Lights out.)
(Scene 2. A wizard’s cave. The cave is lined with instruments of the arcane, little bottles and such. There is a cabinet stage left. Stage right leads to the entrance to the cave. In the center is an old man, reading a large old book and occasionally laughing to himself.)
Hambert
(From without.) Hello there, I say, is anyone in? Hello?
Falchik
Door’s open.
Hambert
(Enters from stage right.) Are you that wizard who inhabits this place, who men say has knowledge of the arcane? Are you Falchik?
Falchik
Are you that piano tutor who seduces his charges?
Hambert
Oh it is you. I am so glad to have found you. I have need of your services.
Falchik
My services are not leant out lightly. Why is it you seek them out?
Hambert
True love.
Falchik
Sex?
Hambert
Yes, that too.
Falchik
Very well. What is it you need?
Hambert
What I need I know not how to describe. I must visit a time in the past, by means of some sort of travel.
Falchik
You mean time-travel?
Hambert
I suppose one could call it that, yes. You see, the girl I love is not a maiden. I seek to “time-travel”, as you call it, to the very time of her dishonor and thwart it, so that she shall be mine entirely.
Falchik
I’m sorry, I’m not following you. You want to go back in time why?
Hambert
She has already known men, you see.
Falchik
And?
Hambert
And? And that is bad! What are you not understanding about this?
Falchik
It just seems like overkill to me, that’s all. Isn’t there a simpler way to go about this?
Hambert
Not one that occurs to me. That is unless… of course! Have you a potion that restores the maidenhead?
Falchik
You people! Why is it always potions and time travel? I mean, couldn’t you just ignore the fact that she has been with another man and marry her because you love her?
Hambert
I’m sorry, now you have lost me.
Falchik
Never mind. I will help you. But know that time-travel spells are very dangerous. Any minor slip up could change time irrevocably.
Hambert
I am willing to take whatever risk is necessary. She’s a very special girl.
Falchik
I can imagine.
(Goes over to a cabinet and takes out a bottle.)
Falchik
(Cont’d.) How far back do you need to go?
Hambert
I believe she said one year.
Falchik
(Puts the bottle back and takes out another one.) Here you go, the one-year bottle. Take a drink of this and you’ll travel back in time.
Hambert
That’s it?
Falchik
They don’t call it magic for nothing. (Exits stage left.)
Hambert
Vanessa, I drink to thee.
(He takes a swig from the bottle.)
Hambert
(Cont’d.) Phah! That was awful. Wait… nothing happened. Oh that damnable wizard.
Falchik
(Entering from stage left) You there! Who are you that disturbs my cave? Out with you! Out!
Hambert
It has worked! The wizard of this time does not know me.
Falchik
No, I’m just fooling you. It takes a few minutes to kick in.
(The lights go crazy and then blackout.)
