The Founding Father

By Justin Aclin

4 Men sit at a table.  From stage left to stage right, they are Shemp, Curly, Larry, and Moe.  Moe and Shemp each sit at a head of the table, Larry and Curly at the side facing the back of the stage.  Hung on the wall behind the table is a portrait of an indeterminate Founding Father.

Larry: ...And so you see, dumping the oil in the river will not only get rid of our excess waste oil, but it will give our wildlife a nice coat of insulation.  (The other men applaud, Shemp hesitantly)

Curly: And we give ourselves a pay raise.

Larry: And we give ourselves a pay raise. (The men applaud again)

Moe: (As if roused from deep thought) Gentlemen!  We have forgotten to welcome our new member.

Moe, Larry, Curly: Welcome!

Shemp: Uh, thank you.  I will try to do our great state proud.

Moe: (Standing) An elegant statement, young man.  That is what we do every day.  (Looking at Founding Father)   We carry on the tradition of our Founding Father.

Shemp: (Sheepishly) Begging my pardon, sirs, but which founding father is that?

Curly: My good man, is it not obvious?  That is the founding father from this state.

Shemp: Oh, of course.

Moe: Moving right along.  (To Larry)  My good colleague, I must say I see some flaws with your plan as you told it.

Larry: My colleague, I am always open to suggestions.  What problems do you see?

Moe: Well, for starters, it's absolutely crooked.

Larry: So is everything we...

Moe: Shush!  Speak not such things in front of our Founding Father! 

Larry: How would you prefer I say it?

Moe: You say, "We creatively solve problems in ways which benefit the majority at the expense of the few."

Curly: Well said!

Moe: Isn't it?  Now back to your plan.  Instead of saying, "We're going to dump the oil in the river," say, "We are going to introduce a new element into the ecosystem."

Shemp: (uncertainly) Brilliant?

Moe: Thank you.

Curly: Why put it in the river at all?  Let's dump it in an ocean.

Larry: In Iran!

Moe: Brilliant!  (Sits down as if exhausted, looks at Founding Father portrait) It's almost what the Founding Father himself would have done. 

(The men applaud, except for Shemp)

Shemp: Begging my pardon again, but how is that what the Founding Father would have done?

Larry: Because it's exactly what the Founding Father would have done. 

Curly: Had there been oil back then.

Moe: It's because it's American, that's why!  It's because our Founding Father represents Truth, Justice, and Apple Pie, or somesuch.

Larry: I believe it was the Great White Way.

Curly: I thought it was Amway.

Shemp: But... but...

Moe: (Pounding his fist on the table) So it's settled then.

Curly: Except that we need a pay raise. 

Larry: We already agreed on a pay raise.

Curly: I know.  I'm talking about a different one.

Larry: Another pay raise?

(Silence for a moment)

Moe: Ah, what the hell?  We deserve it. 

(The men applaud except for Shemp, who is beginning to look peeved)

Moe: Now for the next order of business.  If you would, my esteemed colleague.

Curly: Certainly, my gracious peer.  The next order of business is this amendment, which will add the following verse to our Pledge of Allegiance.

(Moe, Larry, and Curly stand up, place their hands over their hearts)

Moe, Larry, and Curly: "...With liberty and justice for all, in the spirit of our Founding Father, who is just so swell we can't even begin to describe it."

(During the course of this, Shemp stands up and places his hand on his chest, uncertainly, but he does not join in the chant.  After they are finished, they sit down.  Larry wipes a tear from his eye.)

Moe: (Raising his fist) Then it's settled...

Shemp: Not so fast!

(Moe Larry and Curly gasp in unison)

Curly: What fault could you possibly find in that?

Shemp: Well, for starters, the language is atrocious!  It completely ruins the beauty of the Pledge of Allegiance.

Moe: I'll have you know that my sainted mother wrote that!

Larry: I thought your sainted secretary wrote...

Moe: Shush!

Shemp: And another thing!  I've heard tales that the Founding Father was not the great man you make him out to be.

(Moe rushes to cover the ears of the portrait.  He stops and collects himself and returns to his seat.)

Moe: Ha!  That is laughable!  Laughable!  Ha ha ha.  (Looks at Larry and Curly) Laugh with me.

Moe, Larry and Curly: Ha ha ha.

Moe: I challenge you... No!  I dare you to find one rough spot on the baby's bottom that is our Founding Father.

Shemp: He owned slaves.

Moe: (Leaping to his feet) He treated them with great kindness! 

Shemp: (Leaping to his feet) He had sex with them! 

Moe: That sounds like great kindness to me.

Shemp: But he was married!
Moe: His wife died.

Shemp: She died after him!

Moe: Nevertheless, she did die, didn't she?

Shemp: He was an alcoholic!
Moe: Who wasn't?

Larry: Touché.

Moe and Shemp: Shush!

Shemp: (Menacingly) He slept  his way through the Constitutional Convention!

Moe: (frantic) Untrue!  Unfounded!  He didn't lay a finger on Ben Franklin!

Shemp; I mean he was inactive!  He didn't pay attention!  He contributed nothing!  He took up space!

Moe: Oh.  Well he... he... (Purposely drops his pen)  Oh, I've dropped my pen.  Excuse me.  (Dives under the table)

(Shemp stands impatiently, arms folded)

Moe: (in a booming voice, from under the table) It is I! 

(Curly, Larry, and Shemp immediately whip their heads around to look at the portrait of the FOUNDING FATHER) 

Moe: The Founding Father!

(Shemp sinks into his chair.  Larry and Curly throw their arms in the air)

Larry and Curly: Hallelujah!  He is come back to us!

Moe: (In Founding Father voice) Which among you has been badmouthing me?

(Larry and Curly point subtly to Shemp)

Moe: (In Founding Father voice) Young man, why don't you have respect for me?

Shemp: (Facing Founding Father portrait) I do respect you sir, it's just...

Moe: (In Founding Father voice) No you don't!  Don't you know you wouldn't be here if it wasn't for me?

Shemp: Well, in all fairness I might...

Moe: (In Founding Father voice)  No you would not!
Larry: Well said!

Moe: (In Founding Father voice) I fought for you!

Larry, Curly: Amen!

Moe: (In Founding Father voice) I died for you!

Larry, Curly: Hallelujah!

Larry: Well, actually you died from kidney failure brought on by excessive...  (Looks around him)  I'll shush.

Moe: (In Founding Father voice) Well said.

(Larry, Curly and Shemp sit in silence.  Moe reemerges from beneath the table clutching his pen)

 Moe: (in normal voice) Found it!  Well, next order of business.  People are starting to say that cigarettes are bad for you.  What do we do?  (Silence) Well, what do we do?

Shemp: We... we could say that the scientists claiming this are hallucinating from lack of cigarette smoke.

(Moe, Larry and Curly slowly turn their heads and look at him)

Curly: And...?

Shemp: And... we give ourselves a pay raise.

Moe, Larry and Curly: Well said!   

Shemp: Thank you.

Moe, Larry and Curly: Don't mention it.

Shemp: Hey, who's up for some grain alcohol?

Moe, Larry and Curly: Brilliant!

Shemp: Isn't it?

                                                        Curtain Closes