Triumph and Defeat On Line at the DMV

By Justin Aclin

Cast: Man1, Man 2, Woman 1, Woman2, Woman3, Clerk.

Lights come on.  Woman 1, Woman 2, Man2, and Man 1 are standing in a line facing stage right in that order.

Silence.  Man 1 fidgets uncomfortably and looks over the shoulder of Man 2 trying to see the front of the line.  More silence.

Man 1(to Man 2): God, I hate lines.  (Man 2 nods.  More silence.  Man 1 looks over his shoulder again.)  Doesn't look like it's moving.

Man 2:  (Looks at his watch) I have better things to be doing than this.

Man 1: DMV think they can do anything they want, huh?

Man 2:  Yeah.  (Pause)  It's not as if we have a lot of things we have to do.  Just sign a few papers and leave.

Woman 2: (Looking at watch) I have somewhere to be.

Man 1:  I don't.  (silence).

Woman 1: What really kills me is that we're out here, wasting our time, and they're probably in the back room there drinking coffee and watching "Oprah".

Man 2: Oprah's not on yet.  (Silence)

Man 1: (To Man 2)  You know what I've noticed?  In situations like this, when people are in unpleasant situations, they tend to form emotional attachments, you know?  I mean, did you ever wonder if it's possible for two people to meet and fall in love on a line?

(Man 2 slowly turns his head and gives Man 1 a weird look.)

Man 1:  Not you!  Look at her.  (gestures at Woman 1)

Man 2: Oprah girl?

Man 1: Yeah.  I mean, she's certainly pretty enough.  Why not?

Man 2: I don't know.  You're standing on line.  No one wants to meet other people on line.  They just want to get off.

Woman 2: Well, I just missed my appointment.  We might as well pitch a tent.

Man 1: (out loud) This reminds me of this movie I saw once.  It was like, there were these people waiting on line and they didn't realize that the rest of the world was gone, so they have to survive on their own.

Woman 1: I saw that movie.

Man 1: You did?

Woman 1: Yeah.  It was pretty good.

Man 1: Not a lot of people have seen it.  You know, it's pretty rare.  That's pretty cool that you've seen it.

Man 1: (To Man 2) (chuckles)  She likes me.

Man 2: How do you know.

Man 1: There is no such movie.  I made it up.  She's trying to impress me.

Man 2: Sure.

Woman 2: I left my dog in the car!

Woman 1: Look, no one is pleased about being stuck here, OK.  There's no use yelling.

Man 1: (Out loud) I'm pleased.

Woman 1: Why on earth would you be pleased?

Man 1: Well, if I weren't here, I'd probably be watching TV, or something like that.  At least here I get to meet people.

Silence

Man 1: (to Man 2) Great.  Now she thinks I'm weird.

Man 2: I'm sure she doesn't.  I'm sure she values your honesty.

Man 1: You think so?  You think I still have a chance?

Man 2: Sure.  Why not?

Clerk appears from stage right. 

Clerk: This line now open.

One by one, the people do their business with the clerk and then cross in front of Man 1 and exit stage left.

Man 1: (As Woman 1 walks past) Wait.  Where are you going?  (As Woman 2 walks past) I was just getting to know you all. (As Man 2 walks past) Where are you all going?

Clerk: (As Man 1 reaches front of line)  I'm sorry.  This line will be closed for several minutes. (Exits stage right)

Man 1 stands in silence with his head hung low for a few moments.  Woman 3 walks up behind him.

Man 1: (to audience) I don't know whether to be happy or upset.

Man 1: (to Woman 3) Don't you hate waiting in lines?

Curtains close.